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Posts Tagged ‘hope’

I want to paint you a little bit of a time line…

In the fall of 2009, I had an opportunity to start babysitting. Since it wasn’t really my forte, I really had to pray about it. And after doing so, I knew it was going to benefit both families. Lo and behold, I ended up falling in love with the little girl, and I began to realize that I was actually making my own money for the first time in a looong time. I kinda blew it on silly stuff the first couple of months, but then I decided I wanted to save it for something big.

I wanted a new mixer.

Not just any new mixer.

A nice big, shiny, new RED, professional grade KitchenAid mixer.

Yeah, Baby!!

So, I started saving all my babysitting money and I got my beautiful mixer in March 2010. I loved her.

But then a very short month later (nearly to the very exact day, April 2010), I hurt my foot and had no idea that my life was about to be turned upside down.

July 2010: I was diagnosed with RSD/CRPS (Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy/Complex Regional Pain Syndrome) A chronic pain disease; for me, it’s located in my right foot/calf/shin area.

January 2011: Mike and I came out here to Virginia to meet some of the staff at Fairmount.

May 2011: We’re here!! We’re officially Virginia residents! However, with moving there are major costs and sacrifices that have to be made. We still own our home in Kansas and there are just a lot of expenses from the move. So, with feeling that I will never be able to bake again, I tell Mike that he can sell my Red Mixer.

June/July 2011: Ms. Rose Williams buys my precious Red Mixer. It was heartbreaking for me. I knew that I was willing to give it up. I knew I wasn’t going to use it anymore. It was just sitting over there on my cabinet….brand new….taking up space, and we could get a decent amount of money for it since I had only used it a couple of times. But when it actually came time for Mike to pack it up and take it away…I shed more than just a couple of tears. This Red Mixer epitomized my entire love for baking, and with it going away, so was the realization of me never being a baker again. RSD is a beast of a disease.

Fall/Winter 2011: RSD continues to get worse and so does my depression and anxiety. I really just don’t know what to do or where to go with my life. I really feel like I’m in the deepest darkest whole.

January 2012: Mike and my mom encourage me to start going to counseling. I go and for the first time in years, there seems to be a small ray of light and I finally feel like I’m going to be able to crawl out of this dark whole I’ve been living in for the last few years.

March 2012: It comes up in therapy that I truly would like to bake again, but I no longer have a mixer. My therapist encourages me to be bold and just ask Mike for a new one. I’m a little nervous. It took me a few months to save up for my Red Mixer. It was professional grade. Oh, well. I can be happy with just a regular KitchenAid. At least my love for baking is back and I want to be in the kitchen again! So I get my bold on and ask Mike. He, of course, says “sure!” So I start looking on Amazon and letting him know what the prices are now.

I decided I wanted to make pizza. Every Thursday is our Pizza Night. Before my RSD, I always made homemade pizza…and the kids love, love, loved it. Now….we order it from Primo’s. It’s great pizza, but I still like my homemade pizza. So, for the first time in almost 2 years, I want and feel like I can make homemade pizza. I even tell Mike that I think I can make it without a mixer….that’s how bad I want to be in the kitchen…to make this pizza. So, I’m getting some ingredient stuff together and I hear Mike come in the house behind me. Then I hear him taking something out of a box…I turn around…

It’s a new Red Mixer!

But I start looking at it and it isn’t brand new……

Wait a minute….

This is MY Red Mixer.

Mike tells me that he ran into Ms. Rose Williams the day before, telling her how I’m wanting to bake again, and she says,

“Oh, yeah…..I’ve got Shara’s mixer! I was saving it for her for when she was ready to bake again, because I knew she would want to bake again.”

Ms. Rose bought my Red Mixer from us only to hold it until I was ready to bake again.

Ms. Rose is an angel.

I just couldn’t stop crying.

I hugged my Red Mixer for a long time.

And then I made some awesome homemade pizza.

I love my Red Mixer, and Ms. Rose, and how great my God works.

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Guess What?

Guess what?
Your prayers are working.
God is working in me. on me. with me. through me.

He put this verse in front of me a couple of weeks ago:

“And then He told me, ‘My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness’. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size – abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.”

These are Paul’s words from 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, from The Message. It was a wake up call. But even just a few weeks ago, I was still struggling with it all.

Taking my RSD not only as a gift, but with good cheer? I don’t know.

Seeing my depression and RSD and Avoidant Personality Disorder and anxiety and all my other weaknesses as strengths? I just felt so weak all over.

But the Lord kept whispering His words to me over and over….

In my Bible Study we’ve been going through the book called Not A Fan by Kyle Idleman. There’s a small section in which Kyle explain’s that using the name Lord is translated as Kurios, the word given to a master or slave owner.

He is my Lord, my master, and because I’m so in love with Him, I am His slave.

But what I’m trying to tell you is that for so long, oh so long, I have been a slave to these other things: my depression, RSD, AvPD, food, weight issues, friendships, the list could go on.

All I needed to do was hand them over to my Lord, and let Him take over.

His Grace REALLY is enough.

I now have this new sense of freedom! Oh, the love of Jesus is amazing!

(thank you, Cindy C.)

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Things have changed

When I started this blog, my intention was to share my love of baking with all of you, and throw in some “treats” about my family. Oh, and share a little about my struggle with depression. Thus the name, “shar A treat”. (also a play off my name :D)

Little did I know that a few short months after starting this blog that my life was about to be turned upside down.

Little did I know that I would be diagnosed with a chronic pain condition and that everything I knew about my life was to be forever different.

I’ve struggled the last week or more about what to write….this disease is crippling. You know when God talked about hell being like wailing and gnashing of teeth….I’m pretty sure He was talking about RSD. After doing some more research on RSD, I found this pain scale:

Did you see what’s at the very top?  RSD.  Yep…it’s the highest on the pain scale. More than childbirth. More than cancer pain. More than a broken bone.

So, I haven’t written anything. I’ve been silent. I mean, I haven’t been baking or cooking because I can only stand for a few minutes at a time before my foot turns completely red and swollen. And if I’m not baking, then I’ve got nothing to share.  Right?!

So, I’ve been doing a lot of praying. Asking God a lot of questions. Questions like…

Why me?
Why is this happening to my family?
Doesn’t Mike have enough to handle?
Would life for my family be better without me? Then they wouldn’t have to take care of me or worry about me.

And after a lot of these questions to God and lots of tears, I began to hear God’s still small voice.

You do have something to share.

Not what you had originally planned, but I’ve got something more.

It’s not about you.

It’s about Me.

So, I’m back.  I’m sorry that it won’t be about cooking or baking.  I know I’ll probably lose some of you because of changing my theme about baking, but that’s okay.  From here on out, this blog will be about the struggle I have with RSD, the pain and frustration it causes our family, but the hope that there is Something bigger.  That God is bigger.  That He is my Hope.

Welcome to shar A hope

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