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Posts Tagged ‘depression’

Hiding

I’m not gonna lie…I’ve kinda been hiding out the last several days. I went to see podiatrist on Friday…thinking I’d be getting a shot for Morton’s Neuroma and be feeling better by this week. However, he thinks it’s not neuroma but rather a fracture, and only an MRI will confirm it. He ordered some scripts for lortab and mobic (prescription strength tylenol and ibuprofen), put me in a boot and sent me to set up the appointment. I can’t get in until next week. So this is where I’m at with this crazy foot business. I’m just pretty frustrated with it all. It’s been 3 months since I “stubbed” my toe. The meds are working fairly well, but they make me groggy. It’s hard to be a good mommy and wife and friend when on these kind of meds. Not only that, but what if it’s not fractured? Why does it hurt so bad? Anyways, I can feel the fingers of depression wrapping around me and I hate it. I really would just like to hide in my room and not wake up until its all better. I know that’s not gonna happen, though. Can you pray for me?

I’m really sorry I haven’t posted more the last couple of weeks. I’ve got some drafts started but I’m struggling with finishing. I’ll try to do better. I’ll just let you know that they may be sparse. I’m on call because my sister, Katrina, is due with her 3rd baby girl this week. That is exciting, though!! I’ve got several recipes floating around in my head and I’ll try my best to get them up soon.

I hope you all had a great 4th of July!!

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The past 5 years have been a blur.  I really thought I had it all together after I had Reagan.  I remember feeling on top of the world.  Like I could do anything!  I finally began to get involved in our church…I had 2 kids, one boy, one girl…life was going great.

And then I got pregnant again….and developed depression.

Struggled between having joy over my 3rd baby and realizing he was going to be my last….because of my depression.

Saw our church struggle with one pastor leaving, one pastor retiring and losing his beautiful wife to a very sudden death, and another pastor coming to our church, only to leave….all within the same year.

Saw my parents struggling in their  full-time ministry (of over 20 years) at a children’s home…only to be knocked down even more and it rocked my world.  Turned it upside.

Saw my brother srtuggle with becoming a single parent.

Saw my sister and her husband struggle with a legal battle at his work place…ultimately making them uproot from their home and their former life.

I lost over 50 pounds…only to gain it all back…plus some…and sink further into depression.

Saw my aunt die from cancer and leave behind her two adult children….they’d already lost their dad to cancer in 1995.

Saw my aunt and uncle knocked down by the same ministry that parents had been in…which resulted in them also leaving the ministry.

Saw my grandmother battling sickness and dimensia.

I sunk even further into depression.  I even went to counseling for a couple of months.

I had a conversation with Mike the other day about how I can honestly only remember about 3 things from last summer.  How sad is that?  I can barely remember anything significant from the entire school year either.

Yeah, depression will do that to you.  It sucks your life away, and you don’t even know it’s happening to you.

However, the sun has come out….and the Son never left me, really.

And I’m finally ready for a fresh start.

I’m ready to quit just trying to survive.

I’m ready take on being a better mom.

I’m ready to bring order back to my house.

I’m ready for my family to not be fragmented anymore.

This summer is bringing changes…good changes.

I’m ready to see where this new path takes us…takes me.

I’m excited and hopeful and a little scared all at the same time. 😀

I’ll keep you posted.

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The day after

I really, really appreciate all your comments.  And especially your prayers.

However, in the spirit of keeping it real…I didn’t write about my depression yesterday so that you would feel sorry or pity or concern.

I want other people…other Christians…to know that this disease is real.  It’s not my lack of faith.  It’s not some sin I’ve committed.  It’s just some weird chemical imbalance in my brain.  And weird things trigger it.  I’m still baffled by what caused it this time around…..

I love my children…deeply.

I love my husband…deeply.

I love my family…deeply.

I love my friends…deeply.

I love my God…deeply.

How is it then, that I can get to a point that I’d think it would be better for me to just disappear?  Again….I’m baffled.

I don’t say the things I say about depression because I’m strong.  I don’t talk about this disease to lift myself up.  There’s no glory in sleeping away hours at a time while the laundry piles up and the dishes are stinking and the floor needs vaccummed and toys need to be picked up.  There’s no glory in crying so much you look like you’re drunk the next day.  There’s just no glory in depression…at all.

But I want others to know that they’re not alone.  I’ve been a follower of Jesus since I was 9 years old.  I was raised in a Christian family.  I grew up with my parents working in full time missionary work at a children’s home for 21 years.  And the icing on the cake:  I’m a pastor’s wife.  If anyone should have it together, it should be me.  But I don’t.  I have nothing in my past that would naturally lead me to depression.  But I still have it.

So again….please know that I was moved to tears by your loving comments and prayers for me.

But it’s not really about me.  It’s about letting others know that I know how it feels.  And that they’re not alone.

And on that note…I’ll return to food items tomorrow.  This deep thinking is rough…lol.

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Hide and Seek

I’ve been off the radar the last few days.  I’ve been hiding…under my covers.

Well, not literally.  But almost.

Depression is debilitating.

It’s crippling.

It’s hard on my kids.  They worry about me and wonder why I’m crying.

It’s straining on my marriage.  How can I explain to Mike that I can barely get out of bed, let alone tackle the mountains of laundry and dishes and toys?

Why do stupid little things like a broken toe trigger a four day down-spiral of not wanting to be among the living?

Why can’t I be a stronger person?

I don’t know…..so I hide.  And I cry.  And I pray.

I ask God why I’m like this.  Why am I so sensitive?  Why do I feel overwhelmed so easily?  Why? Why? Why?

I do know that I’m forever indebted to my husband.  Mike is strong.  He is proactive.  He just jumps right in and takes over where I’ve failed.  Even though he’s eye-ball deep in ministry.  Working late on projects for our church growth.  And then he has to come home to the house falling apart because I’m hiding.  I certainly don’t deserve a husband like Mike.  He is amazing.

This is the part where I begin to wonder if it’s worth even being here.  Scary, huh?  I hate it when I have flashes of these feelings.  I don’t want to die.  I’m scared to death of well, death.  I would never, ever contemplate suicide.  But I still wonder if my family would be better off if I just disappeared for awhile.

Depression.  It hurts.  Just like the commercial says.

I know that several of you deal with depression, too.  I wish I had answers.  I wish I knew the magic pill that would make it all go away for us.  But I don’t.

I just keep asking God.

I keep begging for answers.

But He’s the one seeking.  I’ve been the one hiding.  And eventually, I pull back the covers and see His hand reaching out to me.  I know the depression is not going away completely.  Oh how I wish it would, though.

But at least I know He’s holding my hand through it.

This all sounds neat and tidy and cliche and “Christiany”, but I really don’t know any other way to describe it.  Depression is messy and hurtful and tiring and well, the list could go on.  Some Christians say that you are not a true Christian if you have depression.  What?!  I’m doing the best that I can.  Trying to just survive.  I’m praying ’til I feel have nothing left to say.  But I know that this depression is real.  But I also know that God is real, too.  Does this make sense?

However, now that I finally feel like my head is above water, I can be thankful.

I’m thankful for Mike.  For him doing the laundry and for trying to find some answers.

I’m thankful for my friend who I needed to be accountable to, even though I didn’t really feel like getting out of my house on Friday evening.  You helped me get out from under the covers, even if it was only for a few hours.  (The carrot pineapple cupcake muffin things were deliciously helpful, too :D)

I’m thankful for my medication.  Wow.  It would be really bad without it.

And I am truly thankful for my God.  It would be a complete abyss of darkness without Him.

For any of you trying to deal with this crappy disease, let me know so I can pray for you.  It’s the only way I can get through my rough days.

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Ranch Roast

Mike’s taking me out tonight – on a date!  It’s been a looooooong time since we’ve been out, just the two of us.  He told the kids he may even give me a kiss on my cheek.  They were totally grossed out!  Hahaha!  Wanted to leave this with you before we go. I know I’ve already written about roast, but I’ve got another one here for you.  It’s slightly different, but just as yummy!

Ranch Roast

  • 1 1/2 -2 lbs roast beef
  • 1 pkg dry Ranch dressing mix
  • 1 Tbsp beef bouillon
  • 1/2 Tbsp italian seasoning
  • 1/2 Tbsp House Seasoning
  • 3 c water
  • 2 Tbsp worcestershire sauce
  • 1 large onion, sliced thick
  • 1/4 c butter (1/2 of stick)

Saute onions in butter until golden brown.  Set aside.  Place roast in crockpot and add all seasonings and water.  Place sauteed onions on top.  Cover and cook on high for 6-8 hours.  Serve on toasted hoagie buns.  I made French Bread Rolls.  Use some of the juices as a dip for your sandwich.  YUMO!  I added sliced American cheese and some peppers.

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Granola Bars

I’ve been hearing from you and from my husband about how you are enjoying my blog.  I’m humbled, really.  My intention was never to bring attention to myself, but only to share my love of cooking, particularly baking.  I’m glad that you are getting a small glimpse into our lives, my life.

I’m not gonna lie…It’s been a rough couple of days.  There are just some times that I can actually feel the fingers of depression choking me, holding me down until I don’t want to breathe.  It’s really scary, actually.  This week has been one of those weeks.  It always seems to get the better of me when the kids have been sick, and the weather is bad and I can’t get out of the house and then everything seems so overwhelming.  There’s more laundry, more dishes, more meals, and on and on.  Then I begin to think, “What’s the point?” It’s all too much….so I just go back and lay down with Clark while he watches cartoons.  Sleeping and watching t.v. helps me forget about the present.  I’ve got a great husband, though.  He told me just get some sleep this morning and got the kids ready and off to school.  Then he called me around lunch and said, “I want to take you to get a taco.  Let’s get you out of the house.”  It’s just what I needed. He’s always what I need…. Even though it’s cold and rainy and dreary outside, the fresh air and the walk around Target did me some good.  I already feel better.  Not so overwhelmed.  The fingers are loosening their grip.

This pizza came out so pretty, I had to share a picture of it!  I made something a little different for me and Mike: Chicken and Tomato; the kids still had pepperoni and cheese, as always.  Since tonight is Pizza Night and I’ve already posted my pizza dough here, I’m going to share this recipe tonight.  My kids love granola bars, especially for their snacks at school.

Granola Bars

  • 1/3 c butter, softened
  • 1/3 c peanut butter
  • 1/2 c corn syrup
  • 2/3 c brown sugar
  • 1 tsp vanilla
  • 2 c rice krispie cereal
  • 2 1/2 c quick oats
  • 3/4 c flour
  • 1/4 c wheat germ
  • 1 c mini chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Grease a 9×13 pan.  In your mixing bowl, combine butter, peanut butter, corn syrup, and brown sugar and vanilla.  Next add cereal, oats, flour, wheat germ and chocolate chips – mixing well after each. Press dough firmly into your pan.  Bake for 10 minutes.  Remove from oven and carefully press down dough again (this makes sure that the bars are not crumbly).  Bake for another 10-15 minutes, or until golden brown.  Cool for at least 10 minutes before cutting.

Soooo yummy!  I think they’re even better the next day!

And this lil’ guy whom we call Dooser, because he’s always “doing” something, was taking a break from shoveling snow 😀  He’s been sick for the last 3 days and so he told me he needed to work!

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Burger Buns

Tonight is Burger Night and since I have the freedom to make burgers how I want, I used my Burger Bun recipe to actually make Beef Hot Pockets and Pizza Hot Pockets :0)

Burger Buns
4 1/2 c flour
2 pkgs yeast
1/4 c sugar
1 1/2 tsp salt
1/4 c butter or margarine
1 egg
1 c milk
1/2 c water

Mix 1 1/2 c flour, yeast, and sugar in mixer. Heat milk, water, and margarine in microwave for 1 minute or warm to wrist (not hot). Add to first mixture and let mix for about 5 minutes. Add egg and salt and mix well. Add enough extra flour to make firm dough. Beat for about 5 minutesor until smooth. Let rise for 30 minutes. Form into hamburger buns or hotpockets. Let rise again for another 30 minutes on greased cookie sheets. Bake in 400 degree oven for 10-12 minutes.

I used up some of the leftover roast beef from earlier this week with some shredded cheese to make the beef ones. I used about a tsp of spaghetti sauce, some shredded cheese and mini pepperonies to make the pizza ones.

Here’s what the pizza ones look like in the making process:

Here they are rising.
And here’s the final product:


I really, really like this bread recipe. It’s my favorite and I use it for several different recipes (hamburger buns, hotdog buns, hotpockets, Bacon Bread,  and Monkey Bread). However, if you are not a homemade bread maker, you can always use frozen bread dough. You’ll just have to follow the directions on the package for the rising process. Oh, and I’ll be posting those other recipes in the future :0)

P.S. For all of you who sent me sweet messages of encouragement, I deeply appreciate it. It’s odd how the smallest of things can trigger depression. I recently switched meds, and it’s helped tremendously. This time around it only lasted a couple of days instead of weeks. I know that your prayers for me were heard, too, b/c I felt them.

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