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A new low

I don’t have a whole lot of hope to share today.  I’ve really been going backwards since about 2 1/2 weeks ago, when I tried on that shoe.  Ever since then, I’ve not been making any progress in Physical Therapy and I’ve been walking with crutches.  I try to hobble around the house without them (since we live in a tiny home), but even that is limited.  After a short time of walking without the crutches, my foot gets red, swollen, begins to sting and feels like it’s about to break, especially around my ankle.

I couldn’t take it anymore, and called my pain management doctor.  I had the appointment this morning.  I was in terrible pain before I even got to the clinic.  I was trying really hard to not cry.  I told him all the pain I was having and he told me to quit physical therapy, he upped the dosage on my Percoset (from 5mg to 10mg) and told me he wanted me to try Lyrica for nerve pain.  He told me there is another nerve medicine, but it’s notorious for weight gain, (and I already struggle with my weight), so we agreed on Lyrica.  I’ve been warned about this medicine, from others, though, so I’m starting it with apprehensions.  And that was it.  He wrote me the scripts and sent me on my way.  I was crushed as I left his office.  I was hoping for something more.  As I was waiting in the clinic pharmacy, I was squirming from the pain, and trying not to cry.  And then I went to pay for my new medication.  Whoa.  The price took my breath away.  After finally getting into the van, I just sat there and cried.  And cried.  And cried some more.  Then I remembered that I needed to go back up to the church and pick up Clark (our very sweet friend and church secretary, Maxine, was watching him for me).  And I cried all the way to the church.  And I fell apart when I saw Maxine.  And I fell apart again when I saw one of my best friends, Cindy.  I never cry in public.  Never.  Not like that.

If I’ve ever really contemplated suicide, it was today.

The pain, the expenses of all the doctor visits & physical therapy & medication & devices, the worry my family goes through, the extra burden I am to all of them.  I seriously was thinking it would just be better for everyone if I wasn’t here.

But then as I drove into the parking lot of the church, I saw my sweet little man running around in the yard with some of the other preschool kids and then I saw my beautiful baby girl outside for recess with her friends…smile and wave to me, mouthing “Hi, Momma!”

I could never really follow through with suicide.  But man, it’s been a real low today.

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Ooooh, these are yummy!  Full of peanut butter and oats and chocolate!  And kids love them because they have M&M’s in them 😀  They just look fun!!

Monster Cookies

  • 1/2 c butter or margarine
  • 1 1/2 c sugar
  • 1 1/2 c brown sugar
  • 4 eggs
  • 1 tsp vanilla
  • 1 3/4 c peanut butter
  • 1 1/2 tsp baking soda
  • 4 c quick oats
  • any amount of your favorite additions (M&M’s, chocolate chips, peanut butter chips, peanuts, pecans, etc.
  • (I used 1 c of chocolate chips and 1 c of M&M’s – plain)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  In your mixing bowl, cream together butter and sugars.  Add eggs and vanilla and mix well.  Add peanut butter and mix well again.  Add baking soda and quick oats.  Mix well.  Stir in your favorite additions.  Drop by large tablespoonfuls on baking sheet and bake for 8-10 minutes.

And yep, you read the ingredients right…there’s no flour in these babies!

I think that may be a little pool of gooey chocolate there on the top…mmmm

When they’re right out of the oven, they’re super soft and a whole lot messy 😀

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Clark’s 4!

My baby isn’t a baby anymore….

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Hide and Seek

I’ve been off the radar the last few days.  I’ve been hiding…under my covers.

Well, not literally.  But almost.

Depression is debilitating.

It’s crippling.

It’s hard on my kids.  They worry about me and wonder why I’m crying.

It’s straining on my marriage.  How can I explain to Mike that I can barely get out of bed, let alone tackle the mountains of laundry and dishes and toys?

Why do stupid little things like a broken toe trigger a four day down-spiral of not wanting to be among the living?

Why can’t I be a stronger person?

I don’t know…..so I hide.  And I cry.  And I pray.

I ask God why I’m like this.  Why am I so sensitive?  Why do I feel overwhelmed so easily?  Why? Why? Why?

I do know that I’m forever indebted to my husband.  Mike is strong.  He is proactive.  He just jumps right in and takes over where I’ve failed.  Even though he’s eye-ball deep in ministry.  Working late on projects for our church growth.  And then he has to come home to the house falling apart because I’m hiding.  I certainly don’t deserve a husband like Mike.  He is amazing.

This is the part where I begin to wonder if it’s worth even being here.  Scary, huh?  I hate it when I have flashes of these feelings.  I don’t want to die.  I’m scared to death of well, death.  I would never, ever contemplate suicide.  But I still wonder if my family would be better off if I just disappeared for awhile.

Depression.  It hurts.  Just like the commercial says.

I know that several of you deal with depression, too.  I wish I had answers.  I wish I knew the magic pill that would make it all go away for us.  But I don’t.

I just keep asking God.

I keep begging for answers.

But He’s the one seeking.  I’ve been the one hiding.  And eventually, I pull back the covers and see His hand reaching out to me.  I know the depression is not going away completely.  Oh how I wish it would, though.

But at least I know He’s holding my hand through it.

This all sounds neat and tidy and cliche and “Christiany”, but I really don’t know any other way to describe it.  Depression is messy and hurtful and tiring and well, the list could go on.  Some Christians say that you are not a true Christian if you have depression.  What?!  I’m doing the best that I can.  Trying to just survive.  I’m praying ’til I feel have nothing left to say.  But I know that this depression is real.  But I also know that God is real, too.  Does this make sense?

However, now that I finally feel like my head is above water, I can be thankful.

I’m thankful for Mike.  For him doing the laundry and for trying to find some answers.

I’m thankful for my friend who I needed to be accountable to, even though I didn’t really feel like getting out of my house on Friday evening.  You helped me get out from under the covers, even if it was only for a few hours.  (The carrot pineapple cupcake muffin things were deliciously helpful, too :D)

I’m thankful for my medication.  Wow.  It would be really bad without it.

And I am truly thankful for my God.  It would be a complete abyss of darkness without Him.

For any of you trying to deal with this crappy disease, let me know so I can pray for you.  It’s the only way I can get through my rough days.

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Mmmm…comfort food at its best!  Cheesy, creamy, salty, crunchy.  It hits all the sensors!

Tator Tot Casserole

  • 2 lbs ground beef
  • House Seasoning, to taste
  • 1 1/4 c milk
  • 2 cans cream of mushroom soup
  • 2 c shredded cheddar cheese
  • 1 32oz pkg of tator tots
  • butter flavored cooking spray

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.  Brown ground beef and drain off grease.  Season with House Seasoning, to taste.  In a large bowl combine milk and soup.  Mix well and add beef.  Stir together and pour into greased 9×13 pan.  Top with cheese.  Line up tator tots on top of cheese (you may or may not use all of them).  Cook for 30 minutes or until bubbly. Switch oven to Broil.  Take out and spray top of tots with butter flavored cooking spray, sprinkle with House Seasoning (or salt & pepper).  Return to oven and broil for about 5 minutes or until golden brown.

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Tomato Cream Sauce

I know it’s Friday and that we typically have some kind of sandwich on Fridays (usually Burgers), but I’m not one for being a stickler about schedules.  And since we had pizza on Tuesday, (our usual pasta night), we’ll be having pasta tonight.

I’m not joking when I say this sauce is awesome.  It’s got that “restaurant quality” taste if you just take the few extra steps beyond pouring the jar of sauce over your favorite pasta (which is what I usually do).

Tomato Cream Sauce

  • 1 28oz jar of tomato pasta sauce (go for the cheap stuff)
  • 1 c half-n-half
  • 1 tsp minced garlic
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 1/8 tsp ground nutmeg
  • 1/2 tsp pizza seasoning
  • 1 Tbsp dried basil
  • 1 8oz pkg of favorite pasta
  • freshly grated Parmesan cheese

In medium sauce pan, combine pasta sauce, half-n-half, garlic, salt, nutmeg, pizza seasoning, and basil.  Simmer over low heat for 30-40 minutes (don’t boil).  While this is simmering, cook the pasta according to package directions.  Toss sauce with pasta and top with parmesan.

**I added some sweet basil italian sausage and mushrooms for added yumminess!**

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Ranch Subs

Yesterday was a busy day!!  I’m glad I had these ready for dinner!

Ranch Subs

  • 1 loaf of French Bread
  • 1/2 c Ranch Vinaigrette
  • 5 slices Swiss
  • 5 slices Provolone
  • 5 slices American cheese
  • 1 1/2 lbs of favorite deli meats (we had 1/2 lb each of honey turkey, Virginia Baked ham, and Salami)

Slice bread length-wise.  Spread 1/4 cup of Ranch Vinaigrette over each slice.  Spread out American slices over one slice.  Spread out the Provolone over the other slice.  Layer meat and Swiss on top of bottom slice. (I layered salami, then the Swiss, then the ham and then the turkey).  Flip the top layer (with the Provolone) onto the rest of the sandwich.  Wrap in plastic wrap or foil.  Place in fridge until ready to eat.  They really are better when they set for awhile.  Slice into desired size and enjoy!

**I prefer to use homemade french bread, but I’ve found that the french bread at the Walmart or Dillon’s bakeries work just as well**

I made these for two youth trips last year and those who went couldn’t get enough!!  Be creative and use whatever deli meats and cheeses you like!

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