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Lost

Hello Friends.

I’m still here, kinda. The last few weeks have been some of the toughest days I’ve ever experienced in my life. On Sunday October 23rd Cader accidently hit the top of my RSD foot with a belt buckle. He was just trying to take it off my bed and the buckle flopped over…I talked about this last time. Well, just a few short 14 days later, Clarky accidently kicked my RSD toes, as in feeling like I stubbed it all over again. I instantly just started crying and saying, “Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no” over and over again. Of course, Clarky started crying, too and saying, “I’m sorry, Mommy!”. The last 11 days have just been terrible.

I’m so lost. This time around not only am I dealing with the horrific pain levels (I’ve put calls in to both of my drs about changing my meds…waiting on their decisions),

but the nasty arms of depression have wrapped itself around me.

This is my secret little demon I’ve dealt with since my pregnancy with Clarky. I’ve been on medication and it’s helped…a lot, but there are certain triggers or that time of the month that make it a little more difficult.

But then I got RSD, and it’s sent my depression into a whole new realm. The beginning of my diagnosis was a particularly difficult time, and you can read that in a few of my posts. It had several of you scared.

So here’s my disclaimer again: I would never and will never take my own life.

But by the very fact that I’m even saying something like this, let’s you know the seriousness of depression. Not only has the pain and depression left me feeling lost, I feel like I have lost so much.

Independence
Friends
Ability to make friends
My ministry
Cognitive skills
Can no longer bake or cook
The list could go on….

And to top it all off…I feel like a real hypocrite. I know deep in my heart that my previous posts are things that God wanted me to share with you, though.

Anyways…I just wanted to let you know why I haven’t said anything in while….not only is my foot/leg in a lot of pain, but my heart and mind are hurting, too. Please just keep praying for me. I do know that God is for me, but there are some days I don’t feel it…I just have to keep saying it to get through the day.

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Before I have you watch the video below I want you to know that I’ve been having a good week.  The spasms have gone away (just as the doc had predicted…I guess they’re right sometimes); and with the increase in the lyrica I’ve been trying to only use one crutch around the house and trying to not use a crutch at all just in my bedroom.  So, I’m having some better days 🙂  (I even got a lunch date with my hubby today!)

Halloween was this past week as you all know, and I had a blast handing out candy.  We finally live in a neighborhood were we have a lot of little trick-or-treaters.  I had a spot all fixed up for me in our chair by the door, so I was ready when the door bell rang.  Mike took care of our own trick-or-treaters again this year.  We had 2 football players (Cade & Reagan…lol) and a soccer player (Clark).

I was pretty sore and worn out the next day, but I find myself wanting to finally say yes to some things. For the last year and half, I’ve only wanted to say no…to everything.

I’ve been listening to Kari Jobe for quite a while.  I came across her music while were still at Crossroads.  We used to sing one of her songs called Revelation, and I just fell in love with the song.  Then I ended up buying her whole album.  Several of her songs really hit home with me before my diagnosis, when I was struggling with depression, then after my diagnosis of RSD/CRPS, and they are still healing me.

This is the one that He wanted me to share with you today:

So faithful
So constant
So loving and so true
So powerful in all You do

You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You

I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness

And I know that You have come down
Even if to ride upon my heart
To remind me who You are

So patient
So gracious
So merciful and true
So wonderful in all You do

You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
And You love for me to sing to You

And Lord, I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness

And I know that You have come down
Even if to ride upon my heart
To remind me

I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness

And I know that You have come down
Even if to ride upon my heart
To remind me who You are

You remind me

I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness

And I know that You have come down
Even if to ride upon my heart
To remind me who You are

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Summer Updates

RSD Update: I feel like I’ve slept through most of the Summer because of these crazy pain pills.  BUT I’m already seeing some real improvements, so I shouldn’t be on them for too much longer.  I’m taking less every day.  YEAH!!!  The vitamin D is making feel better all over….emotionally and physically, and my physical therapy is working.  My range of motion is remarkably better and walking with just barely a limp.  I may have RSD, but it’s not going to rule my life!

I spent all last week working on switching the kiddos rooms around.  Actually, we moved Cade into his own room and Reagan in with Clarky.  It was a big, BIG project because I hadn’t gone through any of their clothes in a long time.  I ended up with three trash bags full of clothes for my sister’s girls, one bag for my brother’s lil’ guy, and two bags saved back for Clark.  I can’t believe all that stuff actually fit in their rooms!

Here’s Cade’s new room:

And Reagan & Clarky’s bunk beds:

I can’t believe the school year is about to start…Didn’t the kiddos just get out for the summer?  We’ve made some big decisions concerning school this year.  Reagan will be attending the Community School of Hutchinson…a small Christian school/homeschool co-op.  She will attend school Monday through Friday and then I will homeschool her on Thursday and Fridays.  It’s a decision that we (Mike and I) thought about and prayed about for quite a bit during the last school year.  I love Morgan Elementary.  I love the teachers, the staff, the principle. Every teacher my kiddos have had are good Christian women and they have loved on and taken care of my babies during the school year.  However, I felt like we were losing my little girl.  We’ve never had a bad experience there, and as a matter of fact, Cade will continue there again this year.  We had issues with the influence of the kids, the girls she was around.  It was just things that were completely out the teachers’ controls.  There’s only so much they can do.  So, this is how we came to this decision.  I feel at peace at about it.  I’m really looking forward to spending more one on one time with Reagan.  Since she’s my middle baby, she gets a little lost in the shuffle at times.

Clark will start preschool this year, too.  Community School has a one day a week preschool and Clark is sooooo excited that he’s going to school with his best friend.  He has an evaluation this week concerning his speech, so we’ll find out if he’ll be returning to speech therapy again this fall.  AND he got a haircut this morning (“wike Daddy, pweeeze” he told me):

So with Cade going to Morgan Elementary and Reagan going to Community School and Clark starting preschool and possibly speech therapy…we are in for a full Fall 😀

As far as recipes…I just haven’t been making anything new lately.  Once school starts, we’ll be back on a more regular schedule and I’ll be back to cooking again.  I did make Pizza and No Bakes tonight…yummo!

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Tryin’ to be crafty

I use a heating pad a lot for relief from my RSD.  The other night as I was trying to conform the heating pad to my foot, it just wasn’t working.  I remembered that I’d received some heatable rice bags over the years for various reasons and as I was looking for at least one of them that night, I could not find a single one.  What happened to them all?  I even had a sweet baby blue one that my friend had made for me, and it could not be found.

So I got to thinkin’…how hard would it be to make one for myself?  My biggest obstacle is that I don’t own a sewing machine, but I do know how to do simple stitching.  So the more I looked online, the more I realized that I could do this!!  The first ones I made were these:

Oddly, these look rather dirty, but I PROMISE they are clean 😀  I filled both of them with whole oats and cinnamon and then hand stitched the tops.  After popping one in the microwave for a minute…it actually stayed toasty warm for quite awhile and smelled  wonderful!  I’ve been keeping them in the freezer in between heatings.  I’m hoping it will keep the oats from getting moldy, but I’m not even sure this is necessary.

Then I made this one:

You have to use a microwaveable ziploc bag for the inside or if you have a sewing machine, you can make a smaller bag made out of some material for the rice and then make this washcloth bag for the outside.  (i used a ziploc).  I took two washcloths and hand stitched all around the outside except for one side.  Then I placed the rice bag inside, fold over the top and finished sewing it up.  A sewing machine would have made this a really quick fun project, but such as it is…I’ve enjoyed the hand stitching, too.  There was a time in my life that I did cross stitching….and someday I’ll do it again 😀

My new lil’ rice pillow has been working wonderfully!  I pop it in the microwave for a couple of minutes and I have heat for at least an hour.  And I love the way that it conforms to my foot.  The material is nice and soft….important for RSD!

The kids were sooooo impressed by my “skills” that I’m now working on one for each of them.  Here’s the one I’ve started for Reagan:

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We are prepping for VBS  that starts tomorrow night:  HERO HEADQUARTERS

We have a Superman, a Jedi, and BatWoman 😀

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Well…..

I went to see 2 doctors today.  Our family doctor and the podiatrist.  They both gave me the results of the MRI.

I don’t have any fractures.  I don’t have any torn ligaments or muscles.

I have nerve damage.

And here’s the short of the long of it:

I have what is called Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy or Complex Regional Pain Syndrome.

I don’t even really know how to describe it except that it’s extensive nerve damage as an indirect result of spraining my toe three months ago.

It’s chronic and there is no cure.

Only pain management.

And insult to injury, this often leads to depression.

NOT what I wanted to hear today.

Uh, hello?!  I already deal with depression!

Needless to say it’s been a rough day…emotionally and physically.

If you want to try to figure it out you can go to this site: RSD/CRPS

For those of you that know Dr. David Paine…this is what he deals with, too.  And he’s already seeing what he can do to help me in this journey.

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Hiding

I’m not gonna lie…I’ve kinda been hiding out the last several days. I went to see podiatrist on Friday…thinking I’d be getting a shot for Morton’s Neuroma and be feeling better by this week. However, he thinks it’s not neuroma but rather a fracture, and only an MRI will confirm it. He ordered some scripts for lortab and mobic (prescription strength tylenol and ibuprofen), put me in a boot and sent me to set up the appointment. I can’t get in until next week. So this is where I’m at with this crazy foot business. I’m just pretty frustrated with it all. It’s been 3 months since I “stubbed” my toe. The meds are working fairly well, but they make me groggy. It’s hard to be a good mommy and wife and friend when on these kind of meds. Not only that, but what if it’s not fractured? Why does it hurt so bad? Anyways, I can feel the fingers of depression wrapping around me and I hate it. I really would just like to hide in my room and not wake up until its all better. I know that’s not gonna happen, though. Can you pray for me?

I’m really sorry I haven’t posted more the last couple of weeks. I’ve got some drafts started but I’m struggling with finishing. I’ll try to do better. I’ll just let you know that they may be sparse. I’m on call because my sister, Katrina, is due with her 3rd baby girl this week. That is exciting, though!! I’ve got several recipes floating around in my head and I’ll try my best to get them up soon.

I hope you all had a great 4th of July!!

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