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Archive for the ‘depression’ Category

Hiding

I’m not gonna lie…I’ve kinda been hiding out the last several days. I went to see podiatrist on Friday…thinking I’d be getting a shot for Morton’s Neuroma and be feeling better by this week. However, he thinks it’s not neuroma but rather a fracture, and only an MRI will confirm it. He ordered some scripts for lortab and mobic (prescription strength tylenol and ibuprofen), put me in a boot and sent me to set up the appointment. I can’t get in until next week. So this is where I’m at with this crazy foot business. I’m just pretty frustrated with it all. It’s been 3 months since I “stubbed” my toe. The meds are working fairly well, but they make me groggy. It’s hard to be a good mommy and wife and friend when on these kind of meds. Not only that, but what if it’s not fractured? Why does it hurt so bad? Anyways, I can feel the fingers of depression wrapping around me and I hate it. I really would just like to hide in my room and not wake up until its all better. I know that’s not gonna happen, though. Can you pray for me?

I’m really sorry I haven’t posted more the last couple of weeks. I’ve got some drafts started but I’m struggling with finishing. I’ll try to do better. I’ll just let you know that they may be sparse. I’m on call because my sister, Katrina, is due with her 3rd baby girl this week. That is exciting, though!! I’ve got several recipes floating around in my head and I’ll try my best to get them up soon.

I hope you all had a great 4th of July!!

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The past 5 years have been a blur.  I really thought I had it all together after I had Reagan.  I remember feeling on top of the world.  Like I could do anything!  I finally began to get involved in our church…I had 2 kids, one boy, one girl…life was going great.

And then I got pregnant again….and developed depression.

Struggled between having joy over my 3rd baby and realizing he was going to be my last….because of my depression.

Saw our church struggle with one pastor leaving, one pastor retiring and losing his beautiful wife to a very sudden death, and another pastor coming to our church, only to leave….all within the same year.

Saw my parents struggling in their  full-time ministry (of over 20 years) at a children’s home…only to be knocked down even more and it rocked my world.  Turned it upside.

Saw my brother srtuggle with becoming a single parent.

Saw my sister and her husband struggle with a legal battle at his work place…ultimately making them uproot from their home and their former life.

I lost over 50 pounds…only to gain it all back…plus some…and sink further into depression.

Saw my aunt die from cancer and leave behind her two adult children….they’d already lost their dad to cancer in 1995.

Saw my aunt and uncle knocked down by the same ministry that parents had been in…which resulted in them also leaving the ministry.

Saw my grandmother battling sickness and dimensia.

I sunk even further into depression.  I even went to counseling for a couple of months.

I had a conversation with Mike the other day about how I can honestly only remember about 3 things from last summer.  How sad is that?  I can barely remember anything significant from the entire school year either.

Yeah, depression will do that to you.  It sucks your life away, and you don’t even know it’s happening to you.

However, the sun has come out….and the Son never left me, really.

And I’m finally ready for a fresh start.

I’m ready to quit just trying to survive.

I’m ready take on being a better mom.

I’m ready to bring order back to my house.

I’m ready for my family to not be fragmented anymore.

This summer is bringing changes…good changes.

I’m ready to see where this new path takes us…takes me.

I’m excited and hopeful and a little scared all at the same time. 😀

I’ll keep you posted.

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The day after

I really, really appreciate all your comments.  And especially your prayers.

However, in the spirit of keeping it real…I didn’t write about my depression yesterday so that you would feel sorry or pity or concern.

I want other people…other Christians…to know that this disease is real.  It’s not my lack of faith.  It’s not some sin I’ve committed.  It’s just some weird chemical imbalance in my brain.  And weird things trigger it.  I’m still baffled by what caused it this time around…..

I love my children…deeply.

I love my husband…deeply.

I love my family…deeply.

I love my friends…deeply.

I love my God…deeply.

How is it then, that I can get to a point that I’d think it would be better for me to just disappear?  Again….I’m baffled.

I don’t say the things I say about depression because I’m strong.  I don’t talk about this disease to lift myself up.  There’s no glory in sleeping away hours at a time while the laundry piles up and the dishes are stinking and the floor needs vaccummed and toys need to be picked up.  There’s no glory in crying so much you look like you’re drunk the next day.  There’s just no glory in depression…at all.

But I want others to know that they’re not alone.  I’ve been a follower of Jesus since I was 9 years old.  I was raised in a Christian family.  I grew up with my parents working in full time missionary work at a children’s home for 21 years.  And the icing on the cake:  I’m a pastor’s wife.  If anyone should have it together, it should be me.  But I don’t.  I have nothing in my past that would naturally lead me to depression.  But I still have it.

So again….please know that I was moved to tears by your loving comments and prayers for me.

But it’s not really about me.  It’s about letting others know that I know how it feels.  And that they’re not alone.

And on that note…I’ll return to food items tomorrow.  This deep thinking is rough…lol.

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Hide and Seek

I’ve been off the radar the last few days.  I’ve been hiding…under my covers.

Well, not literally.  But almost.

Depression is debilitating.

It’s crippling.

It’s hard on my kids.  They worry about me and wonder why I’m crying.

It’s straining on my marriage.  How can I explain to Mike that I can barely get out of bed, let alone tackle the mountains of laundry and dishes and toys?

Why do stupid little things like a broken toe trigger a four day down-spiral of not wanting to be among the living?

Why can’t I be a stronger person?

I don’t know…..so I hide.  And I cry.  And I pray.

I ask God why I’m like this.  Why am I so sensitive?  Why do I feel overwhelmed so easily?  Why? Why? Why?

I do know that I’m forever indebted to my husband.  Mike is strong.  He is proactive.  He just jumps right in and takes over where I’ve failed.  Even though he’s eye-ball deep in ministry.  Working late on projects for our church growth.  And then he has to come home to the house falling apart because I’m hiding.  I certainly don’t deserve a husband like Mike.  He is amazing.

This is the part where I begin to wonder if it’s worth even being here.  Scary, huh?  I hate it when I have flashes of these feelings.  I don’t want to die.  I’m scared to death of well, death.  I would never, ever contemplate suicide.  But I still wonder if my family would be better off if I just disappeared for awhile.

Depression.  It hurts.  Just like the commercial says.

I know that several of you deal with depression, too.  I wish I had answers.  I wish I knew the magic pill that would make it all go away for us.  But I don’t.

I just keep asking God.

I keep begging for answers.

But He’s the one seeking.  I’ve been the one hiding.  And eventually, I pull back the covers and see His hand reaching out to me.  I know the depression is not going away completely.  Oh how I wish it would, though.

But at least I know He’s holding my hand through it.

This all sounds neat and tidy and cliche and “Christiany”, but I really don’t know any other way to describe it.  Depression is messy and hurtful and tiring and well, the list could go on.  Some Christians say that you are not a true Christian if you have depression.  What?!  I’m doing the best that I can.  Trying to just survive.  I’m praying ’til I feel have nothing left to say.  But I know that this depression is real.  But I also know that God is real, too.  Does this make sense?

However, now that I finally feel like my head is above water, I can be thankful.

I’m thankful for Mike.  For him doing the laundry and for trying to find some answers.

I’m thankful for my friend who I needed to be accountable to, even though I didn’t really feel like getting out of my house on Friday evening.  You helped me get out from under the covers, even if it was only for a few hours.  (The carrot pineapple cupcake muffin things were deliciously helpful, too :D)

I’m thankful for my medication.  Wow.  It would be really bad without it.

And I am truly thankful for my God.  It would be a complete abyss of darkness without Him.

For any of you trying to deal with this crappy disease, let me know so I can pray for you.  It’s the only way I can get through my rough days.

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Meme’s Banana Bread

This post will have a banana bread recipe in it, but I’m mostly going to be talking about a very special lady in my life.  She’s the 3rd of 4 children, my mom’s younger sister.  Her name is Kim Anderson, but to me she’s Aunt Meme.  As the story goes, everyone called her Kimmy, but when I came along, the first born grandchild & niece, I couldn’t say Kimmy – I said Meme and so she has been Meme ever since.

Here is her Sr. picture and this is what she wrote on the back:

Shara, To my favorite niece, so that you won’t forget me while I am away.  Love ya,  Aunt Meme

She and my Uncle Curt were married right after she graduated high school and then moved to North Carolina – where he was stationed for the Army.

I look fully please in this picture 😀

beautiful

And she birthed these stunningly handsome boys! (from left to right: Kyle, Skylar, Kenny, & Clint)

She was also mom to a whole passel of boys at the same children’s home where my parents worked.  She is awesome!  They are now living in Glencoe again.  My Uncle Curt is the pastor at Glencoe Church of Christ.

Soooo on Saturday, Meme & Curt came over to Momma’s because she had her grandkids, Kai & Karissa (Kenny’s 2 kiddos), the same ages as Cade & Rae, and they LOVE to play together.

Momma & I made pizza; Rae helped!

And then we spent the rest of the afternoon visiting.  Mike, Daddy, & Uncle Curt played cards and talked religion…lol

Momma, Meme & I sat at the table and chatted.  Well, they were actually working on quilt squares and I watched.

However, that afternoon was revealing and healing.  If you’ve read enough of this blog, you know I struggle with depression, especially this time of the year.  It was so good to be out of my house, to be in a different environment, to be around family.  As we were talking, my mom said, “You two may not look anything alike (meaning me and Meme), but you might as well have the same DNA.”  I always knew we were similar, but not as much as I found out that day.  We’ve always struggled with our weight, lived in the shadows of beautiful siblings (seriously: both my sister & brother have been models), and now the struggles of being pastors’ wives.  It was healing.

This helped, too:

Momma made this delicious cheesecake.  She said it’s all part of her evil plan to bring us home more!  (Mike LOVES cheesecake!)

And finally, here’s the banana bread, actually it’s Meme’s 😀

Meme’s Banana Bread

  • 3/4 c butter
  • 3 c sugar
  • 3 eggs
  • 6 overripe bananas
  • 3 tsp vanilla
  • 1 12oz container sour cream
  • 3 tsp baking soda
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 4 1/2 c flour
  • 1 c chopped nuts or chocolate chips, optional

Preheat oven to 300 degrees.  Grease 3 loaf pans.  Combine flour, salt, and baking soda is a large bowl.  In mixing bowl, cream butter and sugar.  Add bananas and mix on medium-high for about 2 minutes.  Add eggs and vanilla.  Stir well.  Add flour mixture and mix just until combined.  Fold in your optional add-ins.  Divide batter between the three loaf pans.  Bake for an hour or until toothpick comes out clean.

I threw in some blueberries in one batch – yummo!

I love you, Aunt Meme!!

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Toasted Deli Melts

First of all, to all my fellow depressionists, depressioners, depression people, oh whatever…you know who you are:

Today in Hutchinson KS  the SUN WAS SHINING!!!!  Did you soak up some of that glorious Vitamin D?!  If not, you should have!!  I opened all my curtains and literally turned my recliner around so that I would face the sun today.  Oh, man, did it feel good.  It  just made me want to smile, despite how cold it was.  Who cares!!  THE SUN WAS SHINING!!  YEAH!!

And for those of you who didn’t know, the sun and all it’s glorious natural Vitamin D is fantastic for people dealing with depression.

And I read some in the book of James…such a great book for people dealing with troubles and issues and depression.  Good stuff in there!  Go read the first chapter and be inspired.

I’ve got a whole passel of kiddos over here tonight.  Three out of the four Keele kiddos (our Sr. Pastor’s kids) are staying with us tonight.  Their original babysitting arrangements fell through, so I’m glad they know they can depend on us in a pinch.  Wow it’s like a slumber party!!  Only it’s on a school night so they have to go to bed early – YEAH!!  lol

We had homemade Pizza and Snickerdoodles, so I’m sharing with you what I had for lunch:  Toasted Deli Melts

  • 1 bagel, split in half
  • 2 oz cream cheese
  • 2-4 Tbsp salsa
  • your favorite deli meats
  • your favorite cheese
  • sliced onion
  • sliced tomatoes
  • House Seasoning

I had a couple slices of honey turkey, Virginia Baked ham, salami for my deli meat choices, and  provolone, and swiss for my cheese choices.

Mix together cream cheese and salsa.  Set aside.  Butter each side of bagel (or spray with butter flavored Pam if you’re trying to be a little more healthy) and toast under broiler.  Spread each side with desired amount of cream cheese mixture. (I actually skipped this part today because, 1) I didn’t have cream cheese. 2) I really am trying to cut back where I can).  Next layer with your deli meats.  Top with a desired amount of slices of onion and tomatoes.  Broil again for about a minute or just to heat up the meat.  Take out and top with a slice of your favorite cheese.  Sprinkle a little House Seasoning on top.  Broil again until cheese is melted.

This is after it’s been in the broiler for  a few seconds

And this is the one with Swiss Cheese

And this is the one with Provolone.

My mom and I came up with these after eating something like these in a little shop in downtown Tahlequah, OK when I was in college.  So good!!!

Here’s the whole bunch (except lil’ Savannah – and for the record, she was crying when they left because she wanted to stay with Aunt Shara, too!)

P.S. If you’d like to give my Snickerdoodles a try before making them yourself, come to the Thailand Presentation tomorrow night at Crossroads, 6:30pm.  You can see and hear all about the trip our pastors (my hubby included) and a few other’s from our church took last fall.  And then you can stay for some cookies, mine included 😀

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Ranch Roast

Mike’s taking me out tonight – on a date!  It’s been a looooooong time since we’ve been out, just the two of us.  He told the kids he may even give me a kiss on my cheek.  They were totally grossed out!  Hahaha!  Wanted to leave this with you before we go. I know I’ve already written about roast, but I’ve got another one here for you.  It’s slightly different, but just as yummy!

Ranch Roast

  • 1 1/2 -2 lbs roast beef
  • 1 pkg dry Ranch dressing mix
  • 1 Tbsp beef bouillon
  • 1/2 Tbsp italian seasoning
  • 1/2 Tbsp House Seasoning
  • 3 c water
  • 2 Tbsp worcestershire sauce
  • 1 large onion, sliced thick
  • 1/4 c butter (1/2 of stick)

Saute onions in butter until golden brown.  Set aside.  Place roast in crockpot and add all seasonings and water.  Place sauteed onions on top.  Cover and cook on high for 6-8 hours.  Serve on toasted hoagie buns.  I made French Bread Rolls.  Use some of the juices as a dip for your sandwich.  YUMO!  I added sliced American cheese and some peppers.

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