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Archive for February, 2012

Ok. So, it’s 4:30 in the morning.
I’ve been lying here for some time now, going over SO many things rambling around in my head. Are you one of those kind of people, too? I learned a long, long time ago that 1 or 2 TylenolPM’s would fix this problem, but there are just some nights, it doesn’t matter. I still wake up. Thinking. Ok…usually worrying, for me at least anyways.

But not tonight.
Tonight it’s just about thinking.
Thinking about you and how I haven’t “talked” to you guys in so long.  I think the last time we “talked” was in November, maybe? And I was just not in a good place.

I spent most of the month of December with my parents in Oklahoma.

I remember seeing my Momma for the first time at the airport…waiting for me. She was glowing 🙂

I remember seeing my Daddy for the first time outside the airport…waiting for me. I couldn’t hug him tight enough.

I remember seeing the Oklahoma sunset outside my parents’ country home that first evening, and finally feeling a small glimpse of God’s warmth again.

I remember spending a whole day with some very, very dear close friends of our’s from Hutchinson (I love you Chuck and Andrea and Claire and Annah!). Seeing my kids smile & Mike smile…it was a very good day.

I remember sitting with my Grandma Clark for a whole day and we just held hands and talked and cried.  I came to realize that day just how much I am like her.

But I also remember spending hours crying in my room, b/c I couldn’t handle all the commotion. I missed spending time with my sister and her husband and baby girls.  I didn’t get to spend very much time with my dearest Aunt Meme, b/c every time they came over, I was having some kind of breakdown.  I was on constant high alert that someone was going to accidently hit my foot.  I felt like my family didn’t know what to do with me anymore. And then there was the other elephant in the room…the fact that we live in Virginia. No one on my side of the family really understands this. I’m not going to lie. I really struggled with this, too.  Mike and I had some very deep heart-to-heart conversations while the rest of the house was merrily enjoying the Christmas activities and atmosphere.

So it’s after Christmas and time to come back here to Virginia.

And I spiraled into a kind of depression & sadness I didn’t know existed.

See, when we left Kansas and Oklahoma last May, I was determined to pull myself up by my boot straps and be a big girl about moving so far away. I was determined to not let it get to me. I had enough to worry about already with my chronic illness, CRPS/RSD,  and making sure my babies were adjusting ok, and supporting Mike in his new ministry.  I didn’t have time to be sad or grieve over leaving my only support system, and I wasn’t going to make time. It was just too much. I just knew for sure that my heart would literally fall out of my chest if I allowed myself to “go there”.

But then I went home. And I got to hold and hug and smell and feel and see my Momma and Daddy again. And I couldn’t hold it back any longer. Once we got home from the airport, we all three just hugged and cried. I didn’t realize how much I was really missing them.

So when I got back here to Virginia, it was like we had came here for the very first time. I was finally feeling sad about moving here, finally grieving.  But usually this brings a since of relief for people. Letting out their emotions so that they can move on. It wasn’t for me. My world was just getting darker and I couldn’t find the light of day.

With some encouragement, I decided to start some counseling, and I just can’t say enough good things about it. It’s very difficult emotionally, but I want to get better and I’m willing to do the work. I want to be able to go to church again.  I want to be able to just sit outside with my kids. I want to be able to go on a date with my husband. I want to be able to make a batch of cookies again.

And I will! But I can’t do it alone.

Will you pray for me as I start my new journey?

**To my FCC family, I want you to know that I’m not sad that we are here, at Fairmount. It has been just the mere distance away from parents that I’ve been dealing with.  We love you, and you guys have been so loving supportive towards us in the short amount of time that we’ve been here. Thank you for the cards and food and love that you’ve given to me 🙂

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