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Archive for September 14th, 2010

A new low

I don’t have a whole lot of hope to share today.  I’ve really been going backwards since about 2 1/2 weeks ago, when I tried on that shoe.  Ever since then, I’ve not been making any progress in Physical Therapy and I’ve been walking with crutches.  I try to hobble around the house without them (since we live in a tiny home), but even that is limited.  After a short time of walking without the crutches, my foot gets red, swollen, begins to sting and feels like it’s about to break, especially around my ankle.

I couldn’t take it anymore, and called my pain management doctor.  I had the appointment this morning.  I was in terrible pain before I even got to the clinic.  I was trying really hard to not cry.  I told him all the pain I was having and he told me to quit physical therapy, he upped the dosage on my Percoset (from 5mg to 10mg) and told me he wanted me to try Lyrica for nerve pain.  He told me there is another nerve medicine, but it’s notorious for weight gain, (and I already struggle with my weight), so we agreed on Lyrica.  I’ve been warned about this medicine, from others, though, so I’m starting it with apprehensions.  And that was it.  He wrote me the scripts and sent me on my way.  I was crushed as I left his office.  I was hoping for something more.  As I was waiting in the clinic pharmacy, I was squirming from the pain, and trying not to cry.  And then I went to pay for my new medication.  Whoa.  The price took my breath away.  After finally getting into the van, I just sat there and cried.  And cried.  And cried some more.  Then I remembered that I needed to go back up to the church and pick up Clark (our very sweet friend and church secretary, Maxine, was watching him for me).  And I cried all the way to the church.  And I fell apart when I saw Maxine.  And I fell apart again when I saw one of my best friends, Cindy.  I never cry in public.  Never.  Not like that.

If I’ve ever really contemplated suicide, it was today.

The pain, the expenses of all the doctor visits & physical therapy & medication & devices, the worry my family goes through, the extra burden I am to all of them.  I seriously was thinking it would just be better for everyone if I wasn’t here.

But then as I drove into the parking lot of the church, I saw my sweet little man running around in the yard with some of the other preschool kids and then I saw my beautiful baby girl outside for recess with her friends…smile and wave to me, mouthing “Hi, Momma!”

I could never really follow through with suicide.  But man, it’s been a real low today.

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