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Archive for September, 2010

Adjustments

Sooooo, this time last week, I was ready to throw in the towel, but I’m doing much better now.  At least mentally and emotionally.  I’ve still been struggling with feeling of guilt for not writing you everyday, but honestly, there’s not a lot to update….every single day.  I deal with pain, 24 hours a day.  I’m mostly just trying to get through the day with that, plus the normal stuff of taking care of my family as much as I’m physically able to do so.

My mom and Mike told me that I’ve been going through the stages of mourning….

And last week, I hit hard core, bottom of the barrel, end of the rope depression.

And now I’m moving on to acceptance.

Step 1: According to James 5:14: “Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord.” And we did and they did. Mike and I met with some of the elders in between services on Sunday and it was powerful.  It meant a lot to me that they not only laid hands and prayed for me but also Mike.  He really has been my solid rock through all of this and he needed as much prayer as I did to get through this with me.

Step 2: I’m getting a new set of crutches, actually they’re called forearm crutches.  And these should be a lot easier for me to use and get around.  They should be arriving this afternoon, so we shall see 😀

Step 3: I’m applying for a Disability Parking ticket thingy.  One of my big worries about going places, especially by myself, is that I won’t have a close parking spot.  It’s difficult to get around on crutches already, but then also having to park a long distance from the front door just adds to the stress.

So this is my new life.  I guess I’m officially a disabled citizen.  Interesting….I never saw it coming.  Never in a million years would I guess this to happen to me, especially at the age of 33.  But I’m learning that God is in control.  And I’m just taking it one day at a time.

My blessings from this week:

-Mike is getting some time away to “recharge”.  All of this has been really taxing on him, on our whole family.  I’m really glad he’s getting this time with his buddies.

-I’ve got an awesome church family.  I’ve had three friends bring over meals while Mike’s been away.  The elders prayed for me and Mike.  I got some amazing gifts from different CCC sisters that lifted my spirits and are still bringing me great comfort.

-Cade and Reagan got to go to the fair with Mike last Thursday and had a BLAST riding tons of rides.  Their faces were priceless when they came home, talking over the top of each other, trying to tell me all about their awesome time.

-Season 6 of Grey’s Anatomy finally came out on Netflix, and I’ve been catching up 😀

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Let’s just clarify

Let’s just clarify something first.

I just want all of you to know that I am NOT going to commit suicide. Several of you have called or sent me notes of encouragement or called Mike.  I was just in a really low place yesterday.  I worry about a lot of things and when I didn’t get the answers from my doctor and I saw the price of medication, I just lost it.  I just hit a real low.

I just wanted to clear that up.  I AM NOT GOING TO COMMIT SUICIDE.  I never could do that.

RSD sucks, and I’m just going through a mourning right now.  I’m trying to figure it all out.  I’m finally coming to the realization that this will never go away.  And so I cry.  But I cry about everything.  Most of you just never see it.

However, I do know a God that is greater than RSD.  I know that something good is going to come from all this horrible pain.  I just know it!  He is an awesome God.  And even though it’s not revealed to me right now, it will be some day.

Because I have hope.  Yesterday I couldn’t see it or feel, but today is a new day.  And a new day brings new blessings.

My blessings today:

  • Clarky came up and kissed my whole face, like about 3 time today.  He’s never done that. 😀
  • Cade and Clark didn’t have school today so I was able to rest the whole day.
  • My foot felt well enough to make a pot of pasta with marinara sauce (from a jar :D)

So I do have great things in my life.  I have things to live for, LOTS of things to live for.  I just got temporarily blinded by all the worry and pain.  And you got to experience me at my lowest.  Lucky you!!  Ha, Ha!

Looking forward to the new blessings tomorrow!

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A new low

I don’t have a whole lot of hope to share today.  I’ve really been going backwards since about 2 1/2 weeks ago, when I tried on that shoe.  Ever since then, I’ve not been making any progress in Physical Therapy and I’ve been walking with crutches.  I try to hobble around the house without them (since we live in a tiny home), but even that is limited.  After a short time of walking without the crutches, my foot gets red, swollen, begins to sting and feels like it’s about to break, especially around my ankle.

I couldn’t take it anymore, and called my pain management doctor.  I had the appointment this morning.  I was in terrible pain before I even got to the clinic.  I was trying really hard to not cry.  I told him all the pain I was having and he told me to quit physical therapy, he upped the dosage on my Percoset (from 5mg to 10mg) and told me he wanted me to try Lyrica for nerve pain.  He told me there is another nerve medicine, but it’s notorious for weight gain, (and I already struggle with my weight), so we agreed on Lyrica.  I’ve been warned about this medicine, from others, though, so I’m starting it with apprehensions.  And that was it.  He wrote me the scripts and sent me on my way.  I was crushed as I left his office.  I was hoping for something more.  As I was waiting in the clinic pharmacy, I was squirming from the pain, and trying not to cry.  And then I went to pay for my new medication.  Whoa.  The price took my breath away.  After finally getting into the van, I just sat there and cried.  And cried.  And cried some more.  Then I remembered that I needed to go back up to the church and pick up Clark (our very sweet friend and church secretary, Maxine, was watching him for me).  And I cried all the way to the church.  And I fell apart when I saw Maxine.  And I fell apart again when I saw one of my best friends, Cindy.  I never cry in public.  Never.  Not like that.

If I’ve ever really contemplated suicide, it was today.

The pain, the expenses of all the doctor visits & physical therapy & medication & devices, the worry my family goes through, the extra burden I am to all of them.  I seriously was thinking it would just be better for everyone if I wasn’t here.

But then as I drove into the parking lot of the church, I saw my sweet little man running around in the yard with some of the other preschool kids and then I saw my beautiful baby girl outside for recess with her friends…smile and wave to me, mouthing “Hi, Momma!”

I could never really follow through with suicide.  But man, it’s been a real low today.

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Things have changed

When I started this blog, my intention was to share my love of baking with all of you, and throw in some “treats” about my family. Oh, and share a little about my struggle with depression. Thus the name, “shar A treat”. (also a play off my name :D)

Little did I know that a few short months after starting this blog that my life was about to be turned upside down.

Little did I know that I would be diagnosed with a chronic pain condition and that everything I knew about my life was to be forever different.

I’ve struggled the last week or more about what to write….this disease is crippling. You know when God talked about hell being like wailing and gnashing of teeth….I’m pretty sure He was talking about RSD. After doing some more research on RSD, I found this pain scale:

Did you see what’s at the very top?  RSD.  Yep…it’s the highest on the pain scale. More than childbirth. More than cancer pain. More than a broken bone.

So, I haven’t written anything. I’ve been silent. I mean, I haven’t been baking or cooking because I can only stand for a few minutes at a time before my foot turns completely red and swollen. And if I’m not baking, then I’ve got nothing to share.  Right?!

So, I’ve been doing a lot of praying. Asking God a lot of questions. Questions like…

Why me?
Why is this happening to my family?
Doesn’t Mike have enough to handle?
Would life for my family be better without me? Then they wouldn’t have to take care of me or worry about me.

And after a lot of these questions to God and lots of tears, I began to hear God’s still small voice.

You do have something to share.

Not what you had originally planned, but I’ve got something more.

It’s not about you.

It’s about Me.

So, I’m back.  I’m sorry that it won’t be about cooking or baking.  I know I’ll probably lose some of you because of changing my theme about baking, but that’s okay.  From here on out, this blog will be about the struggle I have with RSD, the pain and frustration it causes our family, but the hope that there is Something bigger.  That God is bigger.  That He is my Hope.

Welcome to shar A hope

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New Therapies

I’ve been at all time lows this week, but I’m trying out a couple of new kinds of therapy. The first one is called a TENS device (Transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation). The second is my new doggie, Gracie. She loves to snuggle!

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RSD Update:  I’m just gonna get this out of the way first.  If you read my post on Monday, you’d know that the weekend was really bad, and Monday was the pinnacle.  I ended up taking 6 or 7 Percoset pills – the most I’ve ever taken in one day.  I went to Physical Therapy yesterday morning feeling like a complete failure.  Hobbling in with my crutch was humiliating.  It was all I could do to not cry.  I have gone so far backwards in my recovery.  And the worst part is that I can only figure it was due to the whole “trying on a shoe” thing.  A normal-every-day-kind of a thing.  So after therapy, I finally decided to call on you, my friends, for a little help from above and asked for prayer on my Facebook status.  I never do that.  Never.  I just feel like this is an issue between me and my family and God.

But I was desperate.

And desperate times call for desperate measures.

And you went to Him on my behalf.

And He listened.

I felt my discouragement lifting and the pain letting up….a little.  But every little bit helps!

So thank you, from the bottom of my heart 😀

Now…on to some yummy sweetness!

White Chocolate Cranberry Cookies

  • 1 c sugar
  • 1 c brown sugar
  • 1 c butter flavored shortening
  • 2 eggs
  • 1 tsp almond flavoring
  • 1 tsp baking soda
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 2 1/4 c flour
  • 1  c chopped white chocolate (or white chocolate chips)
  • 1 c dried cranberries, chopped

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  In your mixer, cream the sugar, brown sugar, shortening, eggs, and almond flavoring until white and fluffy.  Mix dry ingredients in a medium bowl and add to creamed mixture.  Stir in chopped white chocolate and cranberries.  Place tablespoon-sized scoops on baking sheet and bake for 8-10 minutes.

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