Archive for April 19th, 2010

The day after

I really, really appreciate all your comments.  And especially your prayers.

However, in the spirit of keeping it real…I didn’t write about my depression yesterday so that you would feel sorry or pity or concern.

I want other people…other Christians…to know that this disease is real.  It’s not my lack of faith.  It’s not some sin I’ve committed.  It’s just some weird chemical imbalance in my brain.  And weird things trigger it.  I’m still baffled by what caused it this time around…..

I love my children…deeply.

I love my husband…deeply.

I love my family…deeply.

I love my friends…deeply.

I love my God…deeply.

How is it then, that I can get to a point that I’d think it would be better for me to just disappear?  Again….I’m baffled.

I don’t say the things I say about depression because I’m strong.  I don’t talk about this disease to lift myself up.  There’s no glory in sleeping away hours at a time while the laundry piles up and the dishes are stinking and the floor needs vaccummed and toys need to be picked up.  There’s no glory in crying so much you look like you’re drunk the next day.  There’s just no glory in depression…at all.

But I want others to know that they’re not alone.  I’ve been a follower of Jesus since I was 9 years old.  I was raised in a Christian family.  I grew up with my parents working in full time missionary work at a children’s home for 21 years.  And the icing on the cake:  I’m a pastor’s wife.  If anyone should have it together, it should be me.  But I don’t.  I have nothing in my past that would naturally lead me to depression.  But I still have it.

So again….please know that I was moved to tears by your loving comments and prayers for me.

But it’s not really about me.  It’s about letting others know that I know how it feels.  And that they’re not alone.

And on that note…I’ll return to food items tomorrow.  This deep thinking is rough…lol.

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Hide and Seek

I’ve been off the radar the last few days.  I’ve been hiding…under my covers.

Well, not literally.  But almost.

Depression is debilitating.

It’s crippling.

It’s hard on my kids.  They worry about me and wonder why I’m crying.

It’s straining on my marriage.  How can I explain to Mike that I can barely get out of bed, let alone tackle the mountains of laundry and dishes and toys?

Why do stupid little things like a broken toe trigger a four day down-spiral of not wanting to be among the living?

Why can’t I be a stronger person?

I don’t know…..so I hide.  And I cry.  And I pray.

I ask God why I’m like this.  Why am I so sensitive?  Why do I feel overwhelmed so easily?  Why? Why? Why?

I do know that I’m forever indebted to my husband.  Mike is strong.  He is proactive.  He just jumps right in and takes over where I’ve failed.  Even though he’s eye-ball deep in ministry.  Working late on projects for our church growth.  And then he has to come home to the house falling apart because I’m hiding.  I certainly don’t deserve a husband like Mike.  He is amazing.

This is the part where I begin to wonder if it’s worth even being here.  Scary, huh?  I hate it when I have flashes of these feelings.  I don’t want to die.  I’m scared to death of well, death.  I would never, ever contemplate suicide.  But I still wonder if my family would be better off if I just disappeared for awhile.

Depression.  It hurts.  Just like the commercial says.

I know that several of you deal with depression, too.  I wish I had answers.  I wish I knew the magic pill that would make it all go away for us.  But I don’t.

I just keep asking God.

I keep begging for answers.

But He’s the one seeking.  I’ve been the one hiding.  And eventually, I pull back the covers and see His hand reaching out to me.  I know the depression is not going away completely.  Oh how I wish it would, though.

But at least I know He’s holding my hand through it.

This all sounds neat and tidy and cliche and “Christiany”, but I really don’t know any other way to describe it.  Depression is messy and hurtful and tiring and well, the list could go on.  Some Christians say that you are not a true Christian if you have depression.  What?!  I’m doing the best that I can.  Trying to just survive.  I’m praying ’til I feel have nothing left to say.  But I know that this depression is real.  But I also know that God is real, too.  Does this make sense?

However, now that I finally feel like my head is above water, I can be thankful.

I’m thankful for Mike.  For him doing the laundry and for trying to find some answers.

I’m thankful for my friend who I needed to be accountable to, even though I didn’t really feel like getting out of my house on Friday evening.  You helped me get out from under the covers, even if it was only for a few hours.  (The carrot pineapple cupcake muffin things were deliciously helpful, too :D)

I’m thankful for my medication.  Wow.  It would be really bad without it.

And I am truly thankful for my God.  It would be a complete abyss of darkness without Him.

For any of you trying to deal with this crappy disease, let me know so I can pray for you.  It’s the only way I can get through my rough days.

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